I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
