I accidentally had phone sex last night
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
