Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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