Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
