Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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