I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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