Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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