Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Randomize
