Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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