so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
A+ Viking dick
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
