Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I'm too high and old for this...
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
