I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Randomize
