all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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