She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
