The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I just gift wrapped bread.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
