Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
