I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
