There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
