alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Of course I have a pirate flag
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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