last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
