say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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