good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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