Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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