Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
