we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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