Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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