I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
