he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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