i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
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