I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Bring me that man meat
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
