You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
