He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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