i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
