He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You dont lie about slip and slides
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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