I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Randomize
