I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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