is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Pants are for mortals
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
