I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
