Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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