True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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