just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
