I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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