Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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