The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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