I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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