Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
