It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
