a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
