it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
