last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
