how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
