i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
