There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
did i just pee glitter
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
