Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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