Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
