and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
