I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
