broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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